2011

This is the last post for 2010....

I'm hoping 2011 will go much better than how 2010 ended. I am hoping for a new start; to start fresh and to become the person I want to be.

We are bottle feeding some lambs here at the farm that were our gift on Christmas Day. They have become my new babies and I am enjoying giving them my undivided attention.

That, and the rest of my energy is spent searching for jobs to apply for.

I hope my luck changes around soon....

I am running out of money.

Bye for now!

Hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year-!!!

Extremes?!

Is it possible for a relationship to have too many extremes?

Over the last couple weeks, ever since the breakup, people have been asking me what went wrong.

I wish I knew....

I have gone over many different reasons and I still don't have an answer.

Could the many extremes our relationship went through been a detriment?

We met on a trip to China...

Two months after our relationship began he left for a year away at school....

When I finished school I moved to where he was...

It was stressful; it took a long time to find a job...

Then we left on a 5 week trip across the country....

Is it possible that by the time we got back and had the chance to settle down into a less extreme relationship it was too late?

We were both happy--but we feared we could be happier.

This is my chance to be happier and yet, right now anyhow, I feel 100 times worse.

When will the lonely heart go away? When will I be able to not think that we have just made the biggest mistake of our life? When will I be able to know that this was exactly how it should be? Will I ever know that or will I always wonder?

I wish somebody could help me with these answers....

Instead...I will ponder, by myself.

I will cry.

I will listen to music.

And I will try to heal....try.

Lifehouse--

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain, there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on

I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead

I still see your reflection inside of my eyes

That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain (in the pain), is there healing

In your name (in your name) I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day

Just to see what you throw my way

And I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone

I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing

with a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain(In the pain) there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),

I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),

I'm barely holdin' on to you

It comes in waves

Hmm...some days I am seemingly fine. Seemingly is the key---I am pretty good and putting on a happy face and being joyous when it needs to be....and sometimes I just can't.

That is where the waves of sadness comes in.

Some days I wake up and I have this feeling that what has happened this last month was meant to happen...

And other times I wake up and all i want to do is jump in my car and go back to him. I want it to be back to how it was so I don't hurt as much as I do now.

Christmas has been really hard. I managed to be seemingly happy on Christmas Day, but Boxing Day was a complete disaster. Everything I did reminded me of the memories I have had or made.

The scenery reminded me of the many days spent in Invermere; sleeping on the floor reminded me of doing that with him a month ago; going to the wild lights at the park reminded me of the zoo lights I went to with him this time last year; playing with Teka reminded me of the fun we had throwing a stick for her at the river; and going to the ski hill reminded me of the passion he has for doing that sport.

It was very, very hard.

I have, like all challenges, survived and now I am back at my dads. He was gifted with twin lambs born Christmas Day and so now I can go and play with them as well as the dog and horses to help me heal.

Animals seem to know when you are hurting and they are very compassionate and loving beings and it is nice. It is nice to not have to talk or put on a happy face and know that they are going to stand by you no matter what.

Today I am doing ok....just ok. When I woke up I had a very strong urge to E-mail him, but I knew I shouldn't. And so I haven't.

Instead I will stick my nose into writing cover letters & resumes because I desperately need a job.

Jobbbbbb....

If anyone ever sees/knows or is a person who can help me with a PR/Media/Communications job please let me know!!!

It would be greatly appreciated.

Christmas

This is a late blog to all of my viewers.
I just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Today has been very difficult for me. I am out in Kamloops spending Christmas with my mother and it is a trigger for all of the amazing memories I have had with Alexander.

I am not sad for the great memories, but sad that I will not be making anymore of those great memories---well not in the same way anyhow.

I will get through this rough day, just like I have all others....but today has been bad.

I feel the empty pain and heart ache like I did the day I drove away from his house.

It sucks.

I am waiting for that day that the heart ache will go away, and I will be able to look at all of this as a necessary step in my life.

One day...


That is all for now,


Merry Christmas Everyone!

xoxo

A Little Perspective...

My life has been turned upside down this last week and it has been really hard. I have had to pack, I have had to move, I have had to change my game plan on life and I have had to realize that I can do things on my own.

What I am trying to say is that I am very lucky to have what I have. When something bad happens to you, like a parting, you feel empty and lost and every emotion possible.

I should be thankful for the things I do have. The place to come back to; home, the friends to hang out with and the family to help it through it all.

Everything that I am going through was put into perspective when some friends of ours had their house burn down last night. The whole community was at a school Christmas supper and concert and nobody knew it was happening.

I've heard that by the time the fire crew got there it was already too late.

When I say I feel lost, it cannot possibly feel as painful and empty as how that family is feeling right now.

I have a place to stay warm, I have all of my belongings with me, and I have a place to be at Christmas.

I am thoroughly saddened to hear about this fire and I know our entire community will step forward to help the family out.

This is a shout out to everyone: soak in everything you have; don't take anything for granted, you never know when it will be taken away from you.

Broken--Lifehouse

Music usually tells a story.

This song tells my story or at least helps explain how i'm feeling right now

It's been a week

It has been a week.

I just realized that.

I can't stop crying.

I am continuously sad for the things we said we would do together but now don't get the chance to do. I am sad for the things that we will never get to do.

I am sad.

I have been so busy since this has all happened that I don't think I really realized what has happened.

Maybe just now I realized.

It is not a nightmare. It is real.

Time to curl up with my teddy bear and try and get some sleep.

Gah.

Unpacking..

I seem to have trouble sleeping these days. Usually when I come back to the farm I sleep solid through the night. Right now, I don't go to bed before 12:30am and I definitely do not sleep soundly. Any slight noise, at anytime of the night wakes me up.

It isn't the bed and it's definitely not that I feel scared, but something is causing me to not want to sleep. I know I am tired, I know I am exhausted, but somehow I feel as if I stay awake it makes every else that I'm feeling, well...feel better.

In a way it does. As I have said, the hardest, loneliest part of my day is right when I get into bed. I think my not wanting to sleep and not sleeping is because I try so hard every night to postpone that feeling.

Anyhow, this rant has nothing to do with the title of this blog, but I am writing it because right now it is 12:10am and I am avoiding going to sleep.

I had wanted to write a post about my lack of unpacking and so, here it goes.

I do not want to unpack. That means that my world has actually been turned upside down and it means that this not just a really bad dream.

The bad dream is not that I am home; I love home. I love the fact that I have been able to see my friends 4 or 5 times this week, whereas when I was in Calgary I was lucky to see them once a month. The bad dream is that I really do have to start over. I need to come up with a plan and I need to execute it.

I am running out of money. I have student loans and a phone bill that needs to be paid every month on the dot. With no job this is very stressful. It also makes it even more difficult because it is Christmas and I have always loved Christmas.

I am very thankful that my dad is helping me out with a few loan payments for the next couple months. It will allow me not to be as stressed out as much about money and I can spend my time searching for a job.

I don't just want a job for the money, I actually need one. I love to work, I love to be busy and I love that a job will allow me to keep my mind of other things.

I do not want to unpack because I am hoping I will be able to get a chance to start over pretty soon. I need that chance to start over and I need to make sure I do things for myself.

I am making a plan so that I can pay of my loans ASAP and I am making a plan to do things that I haven't been able to do yet, but that I have always wanted to do.

This is in writing; in a few years you will see blogs from me in Africa. I have always wanted to work/volunteer in Africa and I have made a note to myself to make sure that happens.

Unpacking means I am here to stay; I am not. This is a safe place to stay for a while until i get my feet back above water and can walk on sand.

I am ready for that sand.

Snow

We've taken quite a beating from Mother Nature lately and it makes getting around very, very challenging.

Because we are no longer on the bus route the road to our farm does not get plowed out as often as it needs to be.

Lots of snow, lack of snow removal and a giant hill going to our house makes it very difficult.

Last night we were hit with a huge pile of snow and the weather is not exactly freezing cold, so it is making the roads very, very slick.

My brother got half way to the highway today and decided to turn around and come home. He couldn't make it up our hill.

My dad and I had to go help him and we took his car to town. We then tried to get home in a van and were spinning our tires all the way up the hill. It was a challenge to keep the tires in the tracks and not spin out too much that we would have to go the bottom of the hill and try again.

For any of you have seen the hill to my house, you know what a pain in the ass that hill can be. Winter sucks.

I know people in the city complain if the roads are shit, but it takes one kind of driver to drive winter weather in the city and another kind of driver to drive winter weather in rural areas.

I did not venture out anywhere today in my car. I have plans for tomorrow night and Friday and I hope very much that I will be able to go, but I will make that call when the time comes.

I know that I will be able to get out and into town, I am just worried that I will not be able to get back.

Please, snow removal come my way. I am very much used to living in the city and being able to go places, so when I am stuck at the farm, with too much snow to drive anywhere I get ....well...

anxious.

The Flu

So when I went to bed last night all was well, it was like any other night at the Bergman household.

It all changed around 1am when I began to her a continuous noise from the bathroom. It seemed a bit strange as I know my brother had just gone to bed and dad was definitely sleeping.

I fell back asleep until I heard noises from the bathroom again. This time I went out to investigate.

It was dad...

he was sick.

Seeing your father sick is quite the shock to your system. Usually dad is looking after me. Somehow he had caught the flu and was having a hell of a time. He said he had crazy stomach cramps and vomiting and well....the other stuff and I can imagine just how unpleasant it was.

It seemed to settle down shortly after 3am and so we both went back to bed.

Dad was up at 5ish am like he usually is to go to work. As I heard him out and about I realized maybe I should check up on him to make sure he is alright.

He was as white as a ghost and informed me that he had managed to whack his head and back on the corner frame of his bed when he got a leg cramp and stomach cramp at the same time.

Now he has a sore head, a sore back, with obvious marks of being smashed and a very, very tender tummy.

Because he never stops we headed to Edmonton. I could tell just how weak he was as he did not want to get out of the car at all. I felt sorry for him, so I helped with groceries and stuff as much as I could.

When we got back home, he crashed.

He is now asleep, resting and sleeping off the awful flu.

I hope he feels better tomorrow....

My best friend's wedding!

So I have known for over a year that my best friend is getting married. Actually, I found out on Facebook chat as I was in China when the engagement happened.

As the wedding is approaching--it is taking place this June, I am begining to make preparations to be there for my best friends big day.

Yesterday my father and I organized a mass booking for four of us to fly out there.

We are going for just shy of a week and are making it our mini vacation plus wedding.

As I begin to look into more and more details of what I have to do for the wedding I am getting more and more excited!

Once again ---Congratulations Amber and Ian on your engagement---I can't wait for your wedding!

Freaking Out...

So the other day when I arrived back at the farm after it all happened I soaked in the tub.

I had put on my favorite necklace of all time before I left to make me feel a little better.

When I soaked in the tub i took it off and set it on the back of the toilet.....

Today, when I went to grab my necklace to put it on it wasn't there.

This is the one I am talking about.

From Impressions From Here and There...

Guess what happened next?! I broke down. I was a complete wreck. I was literally freaking out. Crying, running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Ya--freaking out.

It was a gift from Alexander to me and though we are not together anymore it means a lot to me. I was a mess as I had just lost him, I did not want to lose that necklace too.

I had to go to town so I could not look for it, but when I got home I did.

I searched high and low, behind the toilet, around the toilet....everywhere!

I just about gave up hope when I had a little flashback as to where I, yes, I had moved it to.

It has been found!

It was such a sigh of relief that my beautiful necklace can still hang close to my heart. I needed it to keep going. I needed it to be that connection to my heart.

Sleeping Alone....

My friends and family have kind of come to my rescue and decided it be best if they were around to keep me busy.

I have barely had time to think and that has probably been the best thing for me.

This weekend my two best friends came out to visit. (One from Edmonton, and the other from close by). We didn't do a lot; we played cards and talked and enjoyed the wonderfullness of the horses and we avoided the crappy weather.

Despite all the company in the day the hardest part are those first few minutes you get into bed and you realize you are sleeping alone.

It kind of makes me sad about all the times I went on or joked about being pushed off the bed and now I miss it. I miss not having that body beside me, or that warmth, or just knowing that if something happened someone is right beside me to keep me safe.

I miss the sleep.

I get sad at this moment when I miss everything and it makes the sleeping very challenging. My sleep patterns are completing out of whack so now I stay up till around 2am and I am awake again at 9:30am or 10am.

I am getting very tired.

The problem is, I probably could sleep if my brain would shut off, but it won't. For now I cannot seem to get out that longing, emptyness and moment of missing him when I first get into bed.

I wish he was there beside me, but he is not.

I need to get used to sleeping alone....

Actually, I need to get used to a lot of things, that's just one that is really evident right now.

An Empty heart

When your heart fills up you never really realize that it is happening. You never feel full of love, you just are. But when you lose something--that thing that has been so dear to you and part of your life for many, many months you feel...

Empty.

It is an empty-ness that I cannot explain. It is just there. The left side of my chest just feels raw and bare and open.

I have been told that time heals all wounds, so I am hoping time heals mine.

My family and friends are giving me incredible support and I am extremely thankful for it.

I have realized that the most important thing for me to do is keep busy.

Today I helped my dad with the horses--they have always been a calming source for me, and we bedded the sheep with warm straw as it is cold outside.

I also helped dad with X-mas decorations at his cafe and went to a X-mas party with him----all to stay busy.

The rest of my day is definitely consumed by that feely of loneliness and that wish that I could just call or message that one person who I have spent sooo many hours, days and months with---but I can't.

I am supposed to let go and so as another day passes I am trying to step further and further away and try and make the gaping whole in my heart heal.

I am not only doing this for me, but for him as well.

Starting over..

Sometimes in life we have to make some of the hardest decisions ever. These decisions don't only affect our lives but those around us (Our friends, our family, our friends friends, and their family).

Yesterday my better half and i decided to part ways. It was, without a doubt one of the hardest decisions we have ever made. We did not part in an argument, or with anger or rage--it was mutual, amicable and very difficult.

Right now we both need some time to heal. We need some time to grow apart and to realize that we are strong and that we can do things on our own.

We both have to start over.

I have gone back to my dads place for a while. As I am still in the process of finding a job I have the luxury of going to the farm where I feel that I am in a safe and tranquil environment.

As for my future plans; I need to decide where I want to be. At this point, I could take a communications job anywhere as nothing is keeping me in one spot.

I truly thank my friends and family for being here to support me, especially Amber and Ian who came down to Calgary yesterday to pick me up when I was a complete wreck.

As for Alexander, if you do read this: be strong, start over and take care.

Jobzzzzz...

So, it was tough to find employment when I was in Saint John and I was expecting to be difficult upon returning to Calgary and it has been just that-- tough.

I am still on the search for a job and as Christmas is approaching faster and faster and my money is dwindling more and more I am in need of a job just that much more....any job would be good!

Right now I continue to send out resumes and cover letters for communications jobs on a regular basis and I have also dropped my resume off at some restaurants for serving positions.

I need something to do!...plus the money!